{Hitting a Wall}

Ok, I think I have been pretty tough but today I am hitting a bit of a wall. Not a huge surprise since it's our first day away from Nathan. In the hospital I wouldn't let myself cry, the few times I did it was thinking of Luke and how he was; never myself or Nathan - I knew we would be fine. But now I am fighting the guilt - wherever I am whatever I am doing I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else. Even now - I should be spending some time with Joe - but I am here updating the world and having my pity party! Luke is in bed. The house needs picked up and a grocery list needs made. And, oh yeah, other people are caring for my newborn! I am overwhelmed with pumping, cleaning the pump, nursing, every 3 hours. I am exhausted and sore. I miss Nathan and I miss Luke and I am frustrated that I am not getting to bond with Nathan as early on as I did with Luke. I want to take care of him and know that he is ok. In the nursery we hear babies cry and often they are just left to cry. I know sometimes it is my baby that is crying and no one goes to...that hurts. Can't live at the hospital, gotta be home for Luke some too. Unfortunately when I am home I am pumping milk and exhausted. Luke is not getting the best of me these days. I have no idea what we would do without my mom here, she is holding the fort and Luke down these days. I know I should be greatful that Nathan is making progress and is really very healthy - and I am. Just wish he was healthy at home. Well, gonna go spend some time with Joe - and pump - again! Tomorrow is a new day - I am sure this first day will be the hardest.